Legally Insane
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Harley Quinn's former colleague from the story "Legally Sane" is transferred to Arkham, much to her and Poison Ivy's delight. The Joker is not so pleased, especially when rumors start to circulate about Harley and the new doctor, causing him to take matters into his own hands.
1. Chapter 1

**Legally Insane**

"Whoa, Harley, have you seen the new shrink?" sighed Poison Ivy, as she returned to her cell and fell back on the bed. "What a babe! Didn't know they made doctors like that anymore! He can examine my head and anything else any time he wants!"

"What's that, Red?" murmured Harley Quinn, gazing dreamily at the picture of the Joker by her bed.

Ivy looked at her through the missing brick on the wall that seperated their cells, and rolled her eyes. "I said there's a really hot new shrink, not that you'd even notice. Think you've probably forgotten what hot even looks like," she muttered.

"That's nice, Red," sighed Harley, stroking the picture. "Ain't he just beautiful? My gorgeous, perfect puddin'."

"You're really sick in the head, Harley," sighed Ivy. "Just wait till you see this guy, though, he'll rip you right out of your delusions. God, I wouldn't mind him ripping some things off me..."

"I'm a lucky girl, Red," Harley murmured. "Just the luckiest girl in the world."

"I know we're both locked in this asylum, Harley, but frankly I'm insulted they think you're the same level of crazy as me," retorted Ivy. "At least I don't prefer some deformed, homicidal freak twice my age over some gorgeous, blue-eyed hunk of a man who…is standing right over there!" she exclaimed, sitting up and pointing at the glass.

Harley looked up and beamed as her face lit up in recognition. "Johnny!" she exclaimed, rushing toward the glass. "Dr. Johnny Bryan! What the heck are you doing here?"

"I got a transfer from the old hospital, Harley," said Johnny, smiling at her. "They offered me the position of psychiatrist here, and I took it. I was hoping I'd get to see you again, and it turns out I will. They've assigned you to me as my patient."

"Aw, gee, that's swell, Johnny!" exclaimed Harley, smiling. "We've got lots of catching up to do!"

"Won't you introduce me to your charming friend, Harley?" asked Poison Ivy, approaching the glass with a sultry smile.

"Oh yeah, sorry, I'm being rude," said Harley. "Um…Red, this is Dr. Jonathan Bryan. We used to work together back when I was a shrink. And Johnny, this is Poison Ivy…"

"My friends call me Red," murmured Ivy. "And I want us to be very good friends, Doctor."

"Oh please, it's Johnny," he said, smiling at her. "I don't like all this formality. I think doctors and patients should be able to be open and honest with each other, and treat each other like equals. I'll certainly be treating Harley as mine. Best psychiatrist I ever worked with."

"Aw, Johnny, you're just saying that," she said, beaming.

"You know I don't lie, Harley," he replied.

She smiled. "You're still a sweetheart, Johnny. A nice guy like you doesn't belong in a place like this, with the homicidals and the crazies. You ever find a nice girl to settle down with?"

"Um…no, not yet," he replied, looking a little embarrassed. He cleared his throat. "I don't have you on my list, Miss Ivy, but I do have your um…boyfriend, Harley? The Joker?"

She beamed. "Aw, you and Mr. J will get on like a house on fire! Two great guys having a nice, open, honest chat. You might even be able to cure him, Johnny! Not that I'd want him cured, but it would be a pretty impressive achievement for a psychiatrist."

"Well, I won't get my hopes up," he replied, smiling. "But thank you for your faith in me. You and he are…still a couple, then?"

"Oh yeah, me and Mr. J will be together forever," sighed Harley. "We're just so madly in love."

"I'm happy for you, Harley," Johnny replied, sincerely. "Well, I'll go check out my office, I guess. I just wanted to see you again before our sessions formally started. I had forgotten just how pretty you are."

"Aw, Johnny, you're making me blush!" giggled Harley. "You take care now, and stop by and see me anytime! Can't wait for the first session!"

She returned to her bed, gazing at the photograph of the Joker in adoration as Johnny left them. Poison Ivy stared after him until he was out of sight, then at Harley in disbelief.

"Harley," she murmured.

"Hmm?" murmured Harley, blowing kisses at the picture.

"Is he…interested in you?"

She looked up at her, surprised. "He might be, Red, yeah. He used to be. We had a date once, and it was nice, and he seemed pretty keen, but, y'know, nothing happened. Anyway, it's tough. I'm with Mr. J."

Ivy stared at her in utter disbelief. "You prefer the clown…to that?" she gasped. "Are you crazy?!"

"I'm in love with Mr. J," replied Harley. "So yeah, I guess I am."

"I can't believe you!" gasped Ivy. "He's just…gorgeous! And nice and sweet and just…perfect! And you prefer that sadistic, abusive, psychotic creep?! What the hell is the matter with you?!"

"Gee, Red, don't get so worked up over it," muttered Harley. "I'll put in a good word for you with Johnny, if you're so interested. But y'know, he deserves a really nice girl. And you ain't that, and neither am I. But maybe he'll find one someday."

Ivy just gaped at her in astonishment. She managed to get her disbelief under control at last – she shouldn't be surprised by Harley's insanity anymore, after all. She lay back down on her bed and shut her eyes, thinking about the gorgeous Dr. Bryan and wondering how she could go about changing his patient list.


	2. Chapter 2

"So this shrink knows Harley from before she went crazy?" asked Two-Face over lunch the next day.

"I think it was during one of her temporary bouts of sanity," retorted Ivy. "You remember she had one a few years back? Apparently they worked together then. And apparently they went on a date once."

"Yeah?" said Two-Face, smiling. "And now he's got her in there on the couch? Better not tell J."

"Oooh, my ears are burning, Harv!" laughed the Joker, coming over with his tray to join them. "Better not tell me what?"

"Nothing, J," replied Two-Face, still smiling. "Pammie and I were just talking about the new doctor. You met him yet?"

"Don't usually bother meeting the doctors, Harv, they don't usually last," retorted Joker. "Why? Anything special about this one?"

"Don't know," retorted Two-Face. "But Harley might."

"Harley?" repeated Joker. He glanced at the clock. "Oh yeah, it's her 12.15, isn't it? Well, I'm sure she'll tell me if there's anything I need to know. My session's not until 3."

"Yeah, Harley will probably know him really well by then," snorted Two-Face. Ivy couldn't hold back a giggle. Joker looked from one to the other, suspiciously.

"Joke I'm not getting?" he asked. "Seems a bit unfair, me being the Joker and all."

"Nope, no joke, J," replied Two-Face. "At least I don't think you'll find it very funny!"

He chuckled, which infected Ivy, so that they both were in fits of laughter. Joker was absolutely furious. "Why don't you both just stop laughing and tell me what's so goddamn funny?" he snarled.

"It is funny, clown, because it serves you right after treating her like crap all these years," snarled Two-Face. "She's always deserved a man who would treat her better, and if she's found one at last, I wish them both all the happiness in the world."

He stood up and left Joker alone with Ivy. He glared at her. "What's he talking about?" he snapped.

Ivy sighed. "I don't know why I have to be the one to tell you, J. But the new shrink is an old friend of Harley's, from one of her sane periods. They used to work together. They even went on a date once. And from what I could see during his brief visitation to Harley, I can tell you that he's still really interested. Didn't even look at me, and that's unusual in a man. Unless he's madly infatuated with someone else, of course. And from the way he looked and talked to Harley, he definitely is. And if I were her, it would be a no brainer. Tall, dark, and gorgeous, or you. It's not really a contest, is it?"

"Hey J, just heard Harley and her new boyfriend stole your style!" laughed Edward Nygma, who had just entered the room. "Screwing the shrink on the therapy couch – wasn't that your thing?"

And now the talking and laughing started as the news was passed around the other inmates. Joker sat in silence, his jaw tight and his eyes burning in fury. Ivy felt she had to defend her friend. "J, you know Harley would never do anything like that, right?" she murmured. "She loves you. God only knows why, but she does. I mean, Harley has a lot of faults, but faithlessness isn't one of them. She's devoted. Insanely devoted. You know that."

He opened his mouth to respond when Harley suddenly skipped into the room, beaming. "Hi, puddin', missed you!" she exclaimed, bouncing over to Joker and hugging him tightly. "I told Johnny all about you, and he's really, really looking forward to meeting you!"

"Johnny?" growled Joker.

"Well, Dr. Bryan, but he wants people to call him Johnny," replied Harley, beaming. "Sounds friendlier. And he's a real nice guy who likes to be friendly."

"Yeah, I'll bet he does," growled Joker, as his fists tightened. He looked at Harley coldly. "Why are you flushed?" he demanded.

"Did a lap around the track after my session," she replied, looking puzzled. "Just like I always do. Why?"

"And that's why your clothes are all messed up, because you've just come from the gym, is that it?" demanded Joker.

"Well…yeah, puddin'," she replied. "Why? What's the matter?"

He glared at her, taking her chin in his hand. "Got your exercise then, Harley?" he hissed.

"Um…yeah, yeah, I did, puddin'. That's why I went to the track."

"Then you won't be needing your exercise with me tonight, will you, pooh bear?" he murmured.

"Well, no, I guess I don't _need_ it, puddin', but I really want…"

He suddenly hit her across the face. "Don't you dare lie to me, you little slut!" he shouted. "I'll break your goddamn face, and then I'll break his!"

The other inmates and guards rushed to separate the two of them. Harley was genuinely astonished, more stunned by his words than by the pain. "His? Whose face? Johnny's? Why, puddin'?"

"You know why, you lying little whore!" he shouted, fighting to get back to her. "He's dead, you hear me?! He's dead, and so are you!"

"Puddin', I don't understand!" sobbed Harley. "What have I done wrong? What's Johnny done to you? You ain't even met him yet!"

"Don't give me the innocent act, Harley!" he shouted. "You ain't no stranger to getting a little more than therapy on the couch!"

Harley gaped at him in astonishment. "Puddin', you can't really think that I would…"

"He's dead, Harley!" he shrieked. "And I'll break every bone in your body for this, you ungrateful bitch! Nobody betrays me, you hear me?!"

"She didn't do anything, J!" shouted Ivy. "Just leave her alone!"

She rushed over to embrace Harley, who was sobbing on her knees. "I can't believe you think I'd do something like that, Mr. J!" she sobbed. "I love you, puddin'! Only you! Why don't you trust me?!"

"Get him outta here!" shouted the head guard, as they dragged Joker away, still shouting threats of revenge against Harley.

Ivy hugged Harley tightly, as she sobbed into her shoulder. "I ain't never lied to him, Red!" she sobbed. "I never would! I would never hurt him like that! He can't really believe I would do something like that!"

"No, I'm sure he doesn't, Harley," murmured Ivy, soothingly.

"I ain't never even looked at another guy!" sobbed Harley. "Why would I, when I got Mr. J? He's just perfect, Red, and I love him so much!"

Ivy shushed her, her heart twisting in agony for her. If there was any justice in this world, Harley would form a relationship with her doctor who seemed to really care about her and leave that disgusting creep once and for all. This was all wrong, the way he hurt her and abused her and how she still talked about how much she loved him. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Let people like the Bat talk about justice all they liked – they couldn't stop Harley's tears when she deserved nothing but happiness. Justice was a joke, one of the Joker's sick jokes, and Ivy wasn't laughing.


	3. Chapter 3

The Joker was confined to solitary for the rest of the day because of his behavior, and so missed his 3 o'clock with Dr. Bryan. The next day, Harley was escorted to Johnny's office at the same time. She had tried her best to lessen the swelling of her black eye which had formed from the punch yesterday, but it hadn't done much good.

Johnny's face fell when he saw her. He didn't speak until the door shut. "Please sit down, Harley," he said, quietly.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"Can I get you anything? Cup of coffee?" he asked, gently.

"No, I'm fine, thanks, Johnny," she murmured. He nodded, standing up to pour a cup for himself. There was silence between the two of them.

"Aren't you going to ask me about my shiner, Johnny?" said Harley at last.

"I wasn't going to pry," he replied. "I only wanted to know if you wanted to tell me. A psychiatrist should be there to listen, first and foremost, not interrogate. He has to wait until the patient is ready to open up to him."

Harley laughed. "You're not going to fit in real good here, Johnny," she murmured. "The shrinks here, they're always prying. Always asking questions, ridiculous, meaningless questions. Always trying to pick you apart, rip you into tiny pieces, strip to you to the bone so that you're naked and vulnerable and break you down until there's nothing left of you. That's why they never get anywhere with anyone here. We're all fighters."

He managed a smile. "Still a good psychiatrist, Harley," he said. He handed her a cup of coffee and she took it, feeling the warmth seeping through her fingers.

"Do you want to tell me?" he asked, gently. "You don't have to."

She shrugged. "Ain't much to tell. It was Mr. J's doing, as you probably guessed. You're a good psychiatrist too. He'd heard a rumor that we used to date, and got jealous, so he punched me in the face. I told him there was never anything between us, but he didn't listen to me. Never does when he gets in his moods."

Silence again. "This sort of thing happens often?" he asked, quietly.

"No, not as often as people think," she replied, sipping the coffee. "And sometimes it's voluntary – I have a thing about pain, it sometimes…um…excites me. Sexually, y'know," she murmured, blushing. "But people see the bruises and the beatings and they just assume I'm a victim of his. Some dumb broad who's too stupid or pathetic to leave him and so just puts up with his crap. But I ain't dumb, Johnny. And I ain't pathetic. And I do put up with his crap, but that's what love is, putting up with the crap sometimes. It's worth it. Or I think it is, and that's what matters. But everyone seems to have a problem with that. Everyone thinks they know best. Everyone thinks they know him and me better than we know each other. It's just crazy. But I guess everyone is here."

He didn't say anything. He just looked at her. "I know what you're thinking," she murmured. "Same thing as everybody else. He's a creep, a monster, he doesn't deserve love, he doesn't deserve me, he's a disgusting excuse for a human being and I should get over him and get on with my life. Find someone who will treat me right, who deserves me. But he does deserve me. He's a great guy, really, and he loves me. He just doesn't show it the same way other people do. He's special, and he loves me in a special way. And you don't know him, and neither does anyone else. He doesn't show his true self to other people. But he does to me. He trusts me enough to do that. He loves me enough to let me see behind the smile. And that's such a rare and wonderful thing."

"You don't have to defend him to me, Harley," he murmured.

"Yeah, I do!" cried Harley, suddenly angry. "I have to defend him to everyone, because everyone hates him! Everyone always thinks the worst of him! Nobody gets him! If only they knew how much it hurt me to hear them say those cruel things about him, maybe they wouldn't do it! Maybe they would care enough about me to respect my feelings and my decisions! And maybe they would just shut their goddamn mouths for once and just leave us alone!"

She burst into tears. Johnny sat down next to her on the couch and hugged her tightly. She sobbed into his chest as he shushed her gently. "Sorry," she muttered at last, wiping her eyes. He handed her a tissue. "Thanks. Sorry, Johnny, I don't usually fall apart like that. I had a long night. Red just kept lecturing me. She doesn't get us. And I know she means well, and she's just speaking out of love, but that doesn't mean I don't wanna punch her in the mouth sometimes."

Johnny smiled, but that quickly fell again. "Harley…I feel I should tell you, I've been approached by the other psychatrists," he murmured. "After the Joker's incident yesterday, they've decided it would be better to transfer you to a different mental facility. They'd like me to confirm your diagnosis as potentially curable so they can send you to a place away from him, a place where you can hopefully make some progress towards regaining your sanity."

"What?" gasped Harley. "Send me away? Away from Mr. J? No, no, you can't let them do that, Johnny! I can't live without him! I tried once and it was hell! It was agony – cold, and dark, and miserable, and lonely – a world without happiness and laughter! It was hell, Johnny! Don't send me back to hell! You can't! You just can't!"

"I have to do what I think is right, Harley," he murmured. "If you are, in my professional opinion, curable, then I have to give you the chance to be cured. And I do agree that the Joker is the focal point of your madness. If you were removed from that focal point…"

"I'd be lost!" cried out Harley. "I'd be scared, and disoriented, and cold, and alone! I wouldn't know myself! It would be like the ground was pulled out from under me! I'd fall into a hole, and I'd never be able to climb out of it! You couldn't do that to me, could you, Johnny? You said you would never hurt me, and this would hurt me real bad! I couldn't recover without him…I…please, Johnny, you can't do this to me!"

"I don't want to, Harley," he murmured. "But I have to do the right thing. I need to carefully consider what I believe that to be."

Harley stared at him. Then her eyes grew firm in resolution. "Johnny, I want to show you something," she murmured. She stood up and slowly began to undo her top.

"Harley, no…" began Johnny.

"I want to show you, Johnny," she interrupted. And taking a deep breath, she pulled her shirt open.


	4. Chapter 4

Poison Ivy had slipped out of her cell without the guards noticing and was now creeping down the hall, heading for the wing where the offices were located. She had wanted to get ahold of Johnny's patient list and change it, to assign herself to him, but as she approached the door she heard Harley's voice and sighed. She'd have to wait until the session was over, at least. So she leaned against the door, looking around at the empty corridor.

She suddenly heard a low muttering coming from somewhere. She looked up to see a vent in the ceiling. The voice seemed to be coming from there. She found a chair and placed it underneath the vent, then opened it and climbed up.

She was surprised to find herself in a spacious room, lined from floor to ceiling with wires and monitors, flashing videos of the interior of the offices. And seated in front of the screens was none other than the Joker, holding a small speaker against his ear and muttering to himself, a frown darkening his usually cheerful face.

"J? You're supposed to be in solitary, aren't you?" demanded Ivy.

He noticed her and his glare deepened. "Yeah, and you're supposed to be locked up in your cell. So go ahead and tattle on me, 'cause I know you're looking forward to being locked up again. Now beat it or shut up; I'm trying to listen."

Ivy looked around the room. "So this is how you always seem to know what goes on in everyone's private therapy sessions," she murmured. "You've been spying on us."

"I get bored, Pammie," he snapped. "And it's more interesting than sitting in my cell. Just shut up, will ya?"

Ivy noticed that the monitors were filled with images of Harley talking to Johnny. "Spying on your own girlfriend. You really are just a disgusting creep, aren't you?" she muttered.

"Yeah, and you're a stupid bitch with massive trust issues who screws plants because she doesn't trust human beings enough to form real relationships with men!" he snapped. "Now get lost!"

Ivy smacked him across the back of the head, making him drop the speaker. It cracked open on the ground. Joker whirled around in fury. "Well, that's just great, Pammie!" he snapped. "Now I can't hear what they're saying!"

"You shouldn't need to!" retorted Ivy. "You should trust Harley enough to believe she wouldn't cheat on you!"

"Says Little Miss Doesn't Trust Anyone!" he snapped. "Don't be such a goddamn hypocrite, Pammie! Honestly, you're worse than the Bat!"

Ivy punched him across the face. "Take it back now!" she hissed. "I may not trust many people, J, but I do trust Harley! She's open and honest and sincere and she's never got anything to hide! If you can't see that, you're more stupid than I thought!"

Joker straightened up, massaging his jaw. "Yeah?" he growled, pointing at the screens. "What's going on there, then?"

Ivy looked to see that Harley was crying, and Johnny had come over to the couch to embrace her. "She's upset, and he's comforting her, J," she retorted. "I know that idea must seem strange to you."

"He needs to get his hands off my property now," growled Joker, his burning eyes fixed on the monitors.

"J, you're being paranoid," retorted Ivy. "And just when I thought you couldn't get any more crazy."

He ignored her, fixated on the screen. "J?" asked Ivy. "J? Hello, J? J, are you listening? You have absolutely nothing to worry about. I know Harley. She would never…"

But she stopped talking as she saw Harley stand up and begin to unbutton her top. Ivy gaped at the screen, speechless, as Harley opened her shirt. And Joker snapped.

With a shout of rage, he threw a playing card at the wall, exploding the monitors and blowing a hole in the ceiling, which he dropped through, landing on Johnny and pointing a gun at his head.

"Puddin'," gasped Harley, pulling her shirt back together quickly. "Puddin'…what the hell are you doing here?!" she demanded, suddenly angry. "You're supposed to be in solitary!"

"And you're supposed to be my girlfriend, you lying, cheating little whore!" he shouted. "You know what that means?! You don't go around flashing other guys!"

"I wasn't flashing him!" she shouted, furious. "I was showing him my scar, you filthy pervert!" she said, indicating the marred flesh just next to her left breast, the scar in the shape of a J. "My scar that you gave me, proving to him how I belonged to you and only you, and how important you are to me, and how much I love you, you disgusting creep! It was an emotional statement, you jerk! But you don't care! You don't love me! And you trust me so little that you have to spy on me, you sick bastard! What the hell's the matter with you?!"

"I told him not to, Harley," retorted Ivy smugly, climbing down into the office.

"You let Johnny go right now!" demanded Harley, pointing at the doctor, who still had a gun to his head. "Right now, Mr. J, or I ain't speaking to you ever again!"

With a growl, Joker released Johnny, putting away his gun. Harley rushed over to help Johnny up. "I really gotta apologize for Mr. J, Johnny, he can be such a jerk sometimes," she muttered.

"You ok, handsome?" murmured Ivy, brushing Johnny down. "Anything feel broken? Want me to take a look?"

"Mr. J, you're going to apologize to Johnny for hurting him, and then you're going to apologize to me, for ever thinking I would betray you like that," said Harley, firmly, glaring at him.

He glared back at her. "You gotta admit, it looked incriminating, Harley," he growled. "It was an honest mistake."

"Yeah, but it was a mistake," she retorted. "You apologize, Mr. J. Now."

Joker's jaw twitched. "Sorry," he muttered to no one in particular, folding his arms across his chest.

Harley beamed. "There, that's better. Now I can introduce you. Johnny, this is Mr. J. Mr. J, Johnny."

Johnny was staring at the Joker in astonishment, too stunned at everything that had just happened to react. Joker was glaring back at him, arms firmly folded.

"Shake his hand now!" snapped Harley. "Geez, ain't you got any manners?"

Johnny extended his hand, and Joker reluctantly took it, shook it quickly, then refolded his arms. "Lucky I forgot my joy buzzer," he muttered.

"Hate to break up the love fest, but I think the explosion may have attracted the attention of the guards," said Ivy, suddenly, hearing running from down the corridor. "And if we don't wanna be dragged back to our cells, we'd better beat it quick."

Joker nodded. "I'll take Harley, you get the shrink."

And he seized Harley around the waist and ran towards the window. The offices were on the fifth floor, so as they broke through the glass, Harley wondered for a moment if this wasn't a crazy thing to be doing. But then she saw the lake next to the asylum coming up fast, and plugged her nose as they hit the water.

She heard a splash right after them, which she assumed was Ivy and Johnny. Joker pulled her out of the water when they reached the edge, then seized her arm and rushed out of the Arkham grounds into the parking lot. He threw her into the front seat of the nearest car and then lifted up the hood. "Keep up, Pammie, or we're leaving without you!" he shouted, as Ivy rushed into the parking lot dragging Johnny behind her.

They leapt into the back seat as Joker finished hot-wiring the car. "Keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times, kiddies!" he laughed, jumping into the driver's seat. "It's going to be a bumpy ride!"

He stepped on the gas, laughing manically as the car screeched and sped out into the streets of Gotham. They drove haphazardly through the twisting streets, until they lost any would-be pursurers.

"So where are we going?" asked Harley at last.

"We could head to mine," said Ivy. "I've got a new hideout right by Gotham Central Park, really pretty area. Nice, romantic location," she murmured, gazing at Johnny.

"Somehow nice scenery isn't really top of my list right now, Pammie," muttered Joker. "We're heading to my hideout at the old amusement park. Haven't been there in a few months. Batsy won't be looking for us there."

"Can't we go to the abandoned movie theater instead, puddin'?" asked Harley. "The amusement park's such a dump."

"You'll have to clean it up then, won't you?" he growled.

"I ain't gotta do nothing!" snapped Harley. "And I ain't gonna spend my first few hours of freedom trying to make a home out of that crap hall of mirrors! There'll be broken glass all over the floor from the last time Batsy punched you out there! You broke about twenty mirrors! That's like 150 years bad luck! I ain't tempting fate by going back there!"

Joker's jaw tightened. "We can stay at the haunted house," he muttered.

"The haunted house?! Are you outta your mind?! That place is busted – stuff keeps popping out at you and noises keep going off at all hours of the night! Didn't sleep a wink last time we stayed there, and I need my beauty sleep or I get cranky!"

"What about the funhouse? You got a problem with the funhouse?" snapped Joker.

"Nah, that's good," replied Harley. "Comfy, anyway. Speaking of comfy, you ok back there, Johnny?" she asked, turning to the backseat and grinning.

"Yeah, he's fine," said Ivy, smiling as she held Johnny in a close embrace.

"Um…thank you, Miss Ivy," he said, gently disentangling himself. "May I ask, Harley, why you've decided to kidnap me?"

"Kidnap you? This isn't a kidnapping!" replied Harley, shocked.

"I think technically it is, Harley," replied Ivy. "We didn't ask his permission, after all."

"Gee, I guess you're right," said Harley, embarrassed. "Sorry, Johnny, I just forgot the guards wouldn't lock you up if they caught you. I forgot you weren't crazy like us. I thought we were helping you escape."

"And I really appreciate the thought, Harley, don't get me wrong," replied Johnny. "But maybe you could let me go back to Arkham now? I won't tell anyone where you've gone."

"Sorry, Doc, but you know now," retorted Joker. "And I for one don't trust you. You're coming with us."

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', he wouldn't give us away," said Harley. "He's a real nice, sweet guy. We should drop him off. Anywhere you wanna be dropped off, Johnny?"

"I said he's coming with us, Harley," growled Joker. "I ain't had my session with him yet, remember? I was really looking forward to a nice, friendly, open, honest little chat with Johnny. I would so hate to miss it."

"Really?" asked Harley, incredulous.

"Really, pooh. Don't you trust me?" he asked her.

Harley stared at him, then turned back to Johnny. "Tell you what, Johnny. How about you come with us, stay the night, have your chat with Mr. J, and then we let you go tomorrow? It'll only be for one night."

"Good idea, Harley," said Ivy, quickly. "Johnny can share my room, if he wants."

"How's about it, Doc?" asked Joker, grinning. "I'm quite looking forward to a little one on one time, just you and me. And you can tell all your shrink friends that you interviewed the Joker and lived to tell the tale. Assuming you do live to tell the tale, of course," he chuckled.

Johnny saw he wasn't getting out of this any other way, and sighed. "Yeah, sounds good, Harley," he replied.

"Great," she said, beaming. "Aw, this is gonna be really fun, puddin'! Just like a sleepover with all my favorite people!"

"Yeah," agreed Joker, grinning. "It'll be a blast, Harley. A real blast."


	5. Chapter 5

The funhouse was only slightly dilapidated, and had enough mats and cushions lying around to make it comfortable. Joker and Harley had used it as a previous hideout, so it was still fairly cozy and homey. As cozy and homey as an abandoned funhouse could ever be, of course. Harley and Ivy went to go sort out rooms, leaving Joker and Johnny alone in the makeshift kitchen.

"Wanna beer?" asked Joker, going over to the fridge. "I think there's still some in here."

"I don't generally drink when I'm working," replied Johnny.

Joker shrugged. "Suit yourself. As a crap tailor would say," he laughed, taking out a bottle and opening it with his teeth. He spat out the cap, ignoring the blood. He sat down at the table and Johnny sat opposite him, studying him.

"So, whaddya wanna know, Doc?" asked Joker, putting his legs up on the table and leaning back in his chair. "There are some shrinks who would kill for the opportunity you've got right now – the opportunity to ask the Joker anything, to get even the smallest glimpse into this crazy ol' head of mine. You'd better make the questions count."

Johnny nodded. "I told Harley, and I'll tell you, I'm not an interrogator. I won't be asking you questions. I don't pry. I allow the patient to open up to me in their own time, in their own way."

Joker stared at him. "What, no questions? Nothing you wanna ask me, the most dangerous lunatic in the world? Pretty crap shrink, Doc, if you don't mind my saying. Ain't it your job to pry and ask questions?"

"It's my job to listen to anything my patient would like to tell me," replied Johnny, calmly. "That's all."

Joker grinned. "Hmm. Cute. The no pressure approach. But it figures – even the shrinks are getting soft these days. So you expect me just to tell you stuff? Just to talk? About anything?"

"Yes. Whatever you like," replied Johnny.

Joker sighed, looking around. "Ok. This place is kinda a dump, isn't it? And it smells funny, and not the good kinda funny – like dead pigeons and wet rubber and burnt cotton candy all mixed together. Harley was right – maybe we should have gone to the movie theater instead. But I think we're safer from the Bat here. Wouldn't want him dropping in and spoiling the fun."

"Now, you see, that is interesting," murmured Johnny.

"What, talking about Bats?" asked Joker, grinning. "It's been pointed out I may have a bit of an obsession. I can't help it. I love the guy, really," he said, taking a swig of beer.

"No, not Batman," replied Johnny. "I was expecting that – he's your failsafe, your defense mechanism so you don't actually have to talk about yourself. I figured that one out just from reading your file. No, what was interesting was the fact that you mentioned Harley first. And the fact that you said she was right."

Joker shrugged. "Well, she was right. She gets stuff right sometimes. Not very often, mind you, but sometimes. And I don't really see why it's that interesting that I mention my girlfriend. What I do find interesting, actually, is how you immediately leapt on that fact. But it's not that interesting, really, because I know you're jealous. Pammie said you had the hots for her. You're going to be even more jealous when I rev up my Harley later tonight. I'll make sure you hear her scream for her Daddy J," he murmured, grinning.

Johnny nodded slowly. "I don't see any reason to conceal the fact that I find Harley very attractive, and I care about her very deeply. She's a beautiful, smart, sweet, vibrant young woman."

"Yeah, she is," agreed Joker. "And she's mine. My property, so hands off, Doc. I just hate other people touching my stuff. Makes me angry, and people get hurt when I get angry."

"Yes, mainly Harley," retorted Johnny. "She's equates any pain you give her with affection. Is she right to do so?"

"I thought you said no questions, Doc," retorted Joker. "That sounded like a question to me. I don't want to talk about my relationship with Harley, and I thought I got to choose what we were going to talk about. That's right, isn't it?"

"Yes. But I can't deny that I would very much like to talk about your relationship with Harley," replied Johnny.

"Why? Hoping to learn all our dirty little secrets, hear about all our kinky little games?" laughed Joker. "So you can fantasize about it later, is that right, Doc? It's a bit pervy, I'm not gonna lie, but then I suppose you shrinks are all obsessed with sex."

"I don't want to hear about it for my own sake, but for hers," he replied. "And yours, if you really care about her."

"Afraid I don't see what you mean, Doc," said Joker, taking another drink.

Johnny was silent. "The Arkham psychiatrists…they're talking about taking Harley away. Sending her somewhere else, to another mental asylum to improve her treatment, and hopefully succeed in rehabilitating her. Getting her away from you is the general idea, since you seem to be the cause of her mental instability. I was just wondering how you would feel about that."

Joker took a swig from the bottle. "Why would I care?" he asked, nonchalantly. "She's just a dame. Don't get me wrong, she's fun to have around, nice to release your stress on a punching bag sometimes, but she's hardly necessary, is she? I don't need her."

"That's the truth, is it?" asked Johnny, quietly.

Joker grinned. "What did you expect me say, Doc? I love her? She's my soulmate, my true love, and my life wouldn't be complete without her? I'm the goddamn Joker, for Christ's sake. I don't love people. I don't care about anyone except myself. That's why I'm the most dangerous man in the world. And I'm pretty pleased about that, I'm not gonna lie to you. Why do you think I'm always laughing?"

"Harley loves you very deeply," murmured Johnny. "She's completely emotionally dependent upon you. You have the power to break her heart, her body, and her mind with the slightest touch. She is aware of this. She's a smart woman. And she still chooses to give you her complete and utter trust, devotion, and love. Why is that, if you're truly as heartless as you claim?"

Joker shrugged. "Ask Harley. I can't help it if she's built me up in her mind to be something I'm not. But the fact remains I'm the Joker, Doc. You know me. Everyone knows me. I kill people when it's funny. I make jokes while I'm blowing up buildings. I laugh at the pain and suffering of others. I'm a psychotic, homicidal maniac. That's who I am. There's no deep layer you're not seeing, no inner pain and regret over my actions, no agonizing guilt eating away at me, no tortured soul crying out for love and acceptance. If that's what Harley thinks, she's wrong. But then she is crazy, you know. You can't expect her to know what she's talking about."

Johnny nodded slowly, and rose to his feet. "Well, thank you, Joker. I believe that's all I need to know. We're done here."

"Really? Gee, it just flew by!" laughed Joker. "But you know they say time flies when you're having fun! Hope you had fun too, Doc!"

"It was an experience," replied Johnny, nodding.

"Aw, that's great, Doc. Glad you're going out with a laugh!" said Joker, standing up and reaching into his jacket. He pulled out his gun and pointed it at Johnny's face. "But I'm afraid your time is up," he murmured, grinning.

"Puddin', put the gun away and let's go to bed," said Harley, yawning as she entered the kitchen in her pajamas. "C'mon, I'll make your cocoa."

"Daddy's just a little busy, pooh bear," muttered Joker. "Anyway, I promised you tonight would be a blast!"

"I've got a headache, sweetie, and I don't think gunplay would help," replied Harley. "Anyway, you don't wanna shoot Johnny. He's a nice guy. The world needs more nice guys in it. C'mon, let's call it a night."

"In just one second, pumpkin pie," said Joker, cocking the gun.

Harley suddenly punched him across the face, taking the gun from his hand and pointing it at him. "You deaf?!" she shouted. "I said no gunplay! Headache, you get it?! Now find me some damn painkillers before I put a bullet through _your_ skull and you get a worse headache than me!"

Joker glared at her, fuming in rage, but growled and stormed off. Harley sighed, dropping the gun. "Jesus, it's enough to drive you crazy sometimes," she muttered. She turned to Johnny, smiling. "Set up a bedroom for you just down the hall, Johnny. We're in the room next door, so knock if you need anything. Sleep well, and see you tomorrow morning. Night night!"

She skipped out of the room. Johnny stared after her, trying to fathom what had just happened, but finally gave up, shook his head, and headed down the hall to his room.

"Johnny, you wanna see what I've done with my room?" murmured a voice. He turned to see Poison Ivy, wearing enough to be considered decent, but barely, smiling at him.

"Miss Ivy, I'm really very flattered, but you have to understand that my affections are engaged elsewhere," replied Johnny.

"Yeah, but Harley wants the clown," murmured Ivy. "So maybe you should just take what you can get. And I must say, I don't think I'm such a bad consolation prize."

He smiled. "You're a very attractive woman, Miss Ivy. And I wish you all the best. Goodnight."

"I'm not the kinda girl who takes no for an answer, Johnny," murmured Ivy. He suddenly felt plant vines being wrapped around his legs as he was pulled toward her. "How about a kiss, handsome?" she whispered, bringing her lips to his.

Suddenly, Harley appeared in the corridor, heading for the kitchen. "Red, do you want a glass of…" she began, but then saw what was happening. Her mouth dropped open in shock. "Red, I'm surprised at you!" she said, glaring at her. "The guy's not interested, ok? Just leave him alone!"

"I want him, Harley!" hissed Ivy.

"Yeah, well, he don't want you!" snapped Harley.

"And when has that ever stopped you?" growled Ivy.

Harley glared at her, then disappeared into the kitchen, reappearing a moment later with a can of weedkiller. "Put him down, Red, or the plants get it," she muttered, indicating the vines.

"You wouldn't dare…" began Ivy.

"Don't push me, Red, I've got a headache!" shouted Harley. Ivy immediately released Johnny, retracting her vines.

"That's better," muttered Harley, putting down the can. "Geez, what's the matter with everyone tonight? He's just a nice guy, ok? Just leave him alone! C'mon, Johnny, I'll take you to your room."

"Sorry about Red and Mr. J, they're both just in a mood tonight," said Harley, taking Johnny's arm and leading him down the hall to his room. "They'll be nicer tomorrow, I promise. But you should probably stay in your room for the rest of the night, if possible. But like I said, knock if you need anything. Night, Johnny."

She kissed his cheek and left, shutting the door behind her. Johnny shook his head again. He had given up trying to understand anything that had happened to him in the company of these lunatics. He went over to his bed and tried to drift off.

He must have succeeded, for he was awoken several hours later by a terrible scream coming from the room next door. The walls were thin enough that he could hear voices from next door, and certainly thin enough to hear the Joker shout, "Jesus Christ, Harley, what the hell are you screaming about?!"

"Sorry…puddin', guess…guess I had a…nightmare," stammered Harley, breathing heavily.

"You nearly gave me a heart attack, you dumb broad!" he shouted. "What the hell's the matter with you?!"

"Sorry, puddin'," repeated Harley. Then she burst into tears.

"Oh, don't cry!" groaned Joker. "I don't wanna be up all night! What is it, baby? C'mon, tell Daddy J what's the matter so he can go back to sleep."

"Oh, Mr. J!" sobbed Harley.

"Harley, where are you going? Harley, come back! Harley!" he shouted as Johnny heard their door open. Harley rushed out, sobbing. He heard Joker running after her a moment later. Tentatively, Johnny went to his door and opened it a crack, so he could see out into the corridor.

Harley was huddled, sobbing, in a corner. Joker was kneeling down next to her. "Baby, what is it?" he asked, gently. Johnny had never heard that tone of voice before.

"I thought…I dreamed…it was the Bat, Mr. J," she whispered.

"Aw, my Harley girl's not afraid of Batsy!" said Joker, embracing her gently. "He won't hurt you, pumpkin, he ain't dangerous. Daddy will protect you from the big, scary Batman."

She shook her head, hugging him tightly. "I ain't afraid of the Bat, Mr. J," she whispered. "But I am afraid of him finding us. And taking us back to Arkham. Because then they'll…they'll…take me away from Arkham. They'll take me away from you! Johnny said they were going to transfer me so they could try to cure me! But I don't wanna be transferred, baby! I don't wanna be cured!"

She sobbed, clutching him tighter against her. "I can't leave you, puddin', I just can't! My life is too empty without you! There's no smiling, no laughter, no happiness, nothing but misery and emptiness! It's horrible, Mr. J! I can't go back to life like that, life on my own, without you! I need you, puddin'! I love you! I can't face sanity without you! I can't live without you, I just can't!"

She buried her face in his chest, sobbing. He shushed her gently, stroking her hair. "Listen to me, Harley," he murmured. "They won't take you away from me. I won't let them. I'll kill anyone who tries. I'll slaughter every damn doctor in that damn place if they so much as think about taking you away. I'll burn the asylum to the ground, I'll burn all the asylums in Gotham to the ground, I'll see this city turned to ashes if they even try to take my little Harley away from me. I won't let it happen, baby."

"Promise, Mr. J?" she murmured, gazing at him with her wide, teary, blue eyes.

"I promise, Harley girl," he whispered. "Nobody is taking you away from me. You're mine, baby, mine forever. The Joker's Harley Quinn, now and for always. And I love you," he whispered, kissing her tenderly. "Now c'mon, pooh, let's see that pretty smile of yours," he said, grinning.

She beamed at him. "Oh, Mr. J," she whispered. "I love you, puddin'."

He kissed her again and then said, "Now c'mon, kiddo, bedtime. Daddy J needs his sleep. No more screaming and crying, ok? Save that for playtime."

"Well, we are awake now, puddin'," she whispered, playing with the buttons on his pajamas. "And I don't know if I can go straight back to sleep, after the fright I've had. I need a big, strong man to take care of me, to make me feel safe and secure and show me how capable he is at protecting me, y'know, maybe with a little display of force."

"Don't push your luck, kid," snapped Joker, pulling her to her feet. "Just come back to bed."

"Aw, but baby, I wanna hear all about what you'll do to the doctors who'll try to take me away. And then I want you to do it to me," said Harley, as she was dragged back to their room.

"Not tonight, Harley. Maybe in the morning."

"Really? In the morning?"

"_Maybe_ in the morning. Jesus, you're a greedy brat," he muttered, shutting the door.

Harley's hopes for the morning were disappointed by Batman showing up a few hours later. After a very violent fight with a very cranky Joker, Harley, and Ivy, Batman returned them all, including Johnny, to Arkham Asylum.

"Dr. Bryan, I know you've been through a lot, being kidnapped by three lunatics, but we really need your confirmation for Quinzel now," said the head doctor as he walked with Johnny, following the three, heavily guarded supercriminals into the cell block. "No point in putting her back in a cell since we can transfer her immediately."

Harley turned to look at them, terror shooting into her eyes. Johnny looked at her, then at Joker, then back at the doctor. "I'm sorry, but I can't recommend Quinzel's transfer," he said, firmly. "While I was here in Arkham, I believed, as you did, that Quinzel could be cured with the proper treatment in an alternative setting. But my experience in her society since then has convinced me that she is thoroughly and incurably mentally deranged. She must be kept here, with the other incurables, and not be allowed to influence potentially treatable patients. I'm afraid I must declare her legally insane."

Harley stared at him in adoration, beaming. "Oh, Johnny," she murmured. "Oh, Johnny!" she exclaimed, throwing herself into his arms and kissing him. "Thank you! Thank you so much, Johnny! Oh, you're the nicest, sweetest guy in the whole entire universe!"

Johnny shared a look with the head doctor. "You see? She's overjoyed at the diagnosis of insanity. Completely out of her mind, I'm afraid."

"Well, you're the authority on this if anyone is," sighed the head doctor. "If that is your professional opinion, I'll cancel the transfer."

He strode off. Harley kissed Johnny again. "Thank you, Johnny," she whispered, gazing at him gratefully. "Thank you so much."

"Steady on, Harl," muttered Joker, glaring at him.

"Aw, Mr. J, c'mon," replied Harley. "He did a great thing for us. And after you tried to kill him and everything!"

"Yeah, yeah," snapped Joker. "He's all right, I guess. For a shrink." He took Harley's hand and pulled her away from him. Johnny nodded and smiled tenderly at Harley as the guards came forward to take them away.

"Handsome, if you ever change your mind, you know where my cell is!" called Ivy as she was dragged away.

"Thanks again, Johnny," whispered Harley, blowing him a kiss. "Listen up, everyone!" she shouted, clinging to Joker as the guards dragged them down the hall. "Incurable psychotics coming through! Make way for the crazies! We're permanently deranged, you know! No hope of ever being treated! Aw, I've never been happier to be out of my mind!"

Johnny smiled, and put his signature to the certificate: _Harleen Quinzel: Legally Insane_.

**The End**


End file.
